Tuesday, February 5, 2013

when it hurts

The hard part of trusting God: trusting God.

Sometimes that means waiting on His timing. And frankly, right here in this moment, I'm over it.

For months, I waited patiently for God to provide a job for Jerry. And we were told it would start Feb. 1. And Friday we were told it could be another month or two. Or, Jerr could start this coming Monday. Sure, because that's no problem. Not something I'd like to know for the sake of planning or anything. Not scary at all that our last paycheck comes the first of March.

Oh, the sarcasm is thick.

I'm frustrated that the experiences I have been looking forward to having for my entire life, that should have been full of joy, have been sucked dry. Like house hunting. Instead of being a fun experience with Jerry, we had two boys and a mother who were sick with the flu, while we were cramming 17 houses into 24 hours,  and then an offer to write. We slept in a hotel room where no one got sleep because we were up with sick babies 5 times throughout the night. We couldn't enjoy the fact that we were writing an offer on what could be our new home because we were holding pukey kids and trying to hurry and beat the clock so we could all get home before bedtime. All while considering the possibility of instead going straight to the hospital with a dehydrated toddler if we couldn't get liquids into him.q

And now we can't enjoy the fact that we are moving into our new home in 2 WEEKS and finally get to see our household goods- that we haven't seen since before Halloween!!!- because we don't know if we will have a paycheck in time to let us close on the house. And what if it's another two months?? And instead of a closing date of March 4 (We are renting the house for 2 weeks before closing. that was supposed to help Jerr have less of the monstrous commute from PA into DC during the time here with my parents. Ha.) we now may need to wait until May?! And if that doesn't work for the seller they can choose to not sell the house to us. So we are moving into OUR HOUSE in two weeks and we may be moving back out of it soon. With nowhere to go. And no money.

This was a moment I have been waiting for since I was first married. I couldn't wait to buy my house. And for years I have moved all around, watching my friends and family buy their own houses. Trying not to be jealous and working to be happy with each temporary set of walls we were given. And I can't enjoy it because there is so much uncertainty- "our house" may never get the chance to be our house. Our journey may not end in two weeks. There is still no end in sight. And I think it's extra hard because the finish line of this season was just extended. But no one told me where it moved. I don't know where I'm running, I just know that I have to keep going. But my legs are tired and my thighs are cramping.



Give me a few hours- or a few days- and I'll get over the hump. I know God is faithful. I do NOT believe He will bring us to the 11th hour and then bail and leave us burning. I trust that His plan is best, He will provide, and His timing is perfect. I believe He has blessings in abundance and I am still determined to see it through. I am still determined to trust God and to live it out so my boys can see that in practical application.

I just need a minute to be a small child, throwing a mammoth-sized temper tantrum.

I'm soooooooooooo over waiting. For everything. It's been a long road and the inconveniences have made my heart weary. I miss alone time. I am tired of things sitting in piles because they have no place to go. I'm tired of being in transition. I'm tired of question marks and of not knowing. I'm tired of needing help from others. I'm tired of constantly feeling like I'm in the way. I'M TIRED OF NOT HAVING CONTROL. Over anything. I miss my routine. I miss having my things. I'm mad because I have definitely picked "IT" up the past few days.

These days are hard days.

But my God is faithful. I will trust Him. I will continue to wait. I will choose to sit at the feet of the One who has control.

If only that were easy.

And I know I'm not alone. So for anyone sitting in a rocking boat with me, let's agree to keep running hard. We can make up a secret handshake that is reserved for those in trial....it will probably include an ear pull, stomp or two, maybe an elbow tap, and will most certainly end with a stellar high five. And then we'll look into each other's eyes, understand, and agree to keep pressing on. Standing firm in the faith and living a life worthy of the calling we have received.

But first, some chocolate. ;)

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