Wednesday, May 23, 2012

when to zip it

This is me, pondering the topic of this post. Scholarly, right? The glasses in the mouth mean that everything I'm about to say is not only correct, it's brilliant. 

Remember that.

Jerry laughed at me tonight when I said, "You know, I really had to fight not to blog about _____ today." "You always seem to say that every couple of days!" he said. Why yes. Yes I do. Because my name is Lauren Becker and I am in a constant battle with myself to know when to speak and when to remain silent. Words aren't hard for me to loose to the world. It's effortless for me to set them free, sometimes as daggers, sometimes in humor, and other times in deep sympathy. And that has caused so much regret when I think about my childhood. I can still hear my young voice, destroying my sister and spewing teenage angst at my parents. Man. I pray that it hasn't stuck with each of them as I know it has stuck with me.

And even now, as an adult, I find myself ready to wield my "sword." Sometimes it serves me well- as a teacher, there were times when quick wit or a firm comeback could end a student's challenge. It has also helped when I had to stand up for myself or when coming to the defense of someone else. But in a world where facebook is popular, I have a blog at my disposal, and my opinions a'plenty, it sure is hard to exercise restraint.

So many times I want to speak about a political or religious topic that finds me with strong opinions. And I always tell myself, "But if you don't speak another opinion than that which is already being voiced, how can you make a difference?" And that's true. I think sometimes it's important for people to speak up about issues instead of just letting it go. I think this is especially true when God's character is being poorly misrepresented- those who are well-acquainted with His heart need to speak up with what they know to be true.

But often when I find myself wanting to speak about something, it's because I'm angry and want to use words to put a "wrongdoer in their place." Ah, pride. And even yesterday I prayed about an issue, begging God to give me the freedom to speak firmly about something. And as I prayed I heard the anger in my heart. And God {figuratively} shook His head at me and said, "Nope, Lauren. Righteous anger is okay, but it's mine to have in this case. The only time you can speak correction about something is when you can love that person or group of people so much that it hurts to confront them about it, but you feel convicted by Me to speak in regards to that thing. When you wish you could avoid the conversation in order to spare them the hurt/embarrassment it could cause, only THEN you are in the right place to speak correction. "

And there was deep silence in my heart as that soaked in.

As I ponder it... when it feels good to teach/correct/rebuke, you are often in no position to speak to them at all. Pride isn't flattering, nor does it often illicit a positive response. But when we are able to come alongside them, loving them and hurting for the correction that will hopefully come- THAT'S a heart which can speak truth gently. And in love. As truth is meant to be spoken. In the words of the American Idol judges this season, you could say God "took me to church" yesterday.  

And as Jerr and I were washing dishes together after dinner tonight, we were talking about what I had wanted to say- and I was expressing everything I wished I was free to express- I learned another thing. As I often do because I'm a talk-to-think kind of gal who learns while she is in the act of speaking....which can bite one in ones backside when one is in the wrong for thinking something in the first place! 1) That a husband who listens and lets you get that out is a treasure and should be held on to and 2) That this is why pastors are listed in the "spiritual gifts" category from Romans. I think it takes a special person with a special heart to love on people who are getting stuff wrong and speak to them about it. I would make a horrible pastor, I think! I'd be all, "Yeah, so put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!!!!" And they'd be like, "What?? I'm not smoking in church!!!" To which I'd respond, "Well then that's one less problem to deal with...."      

Off topic, Lauren. Too far.

Oh geez, what was I even saying.....?

Moral of the story: I'm sticking to speaking about clothes, kids, marriage, and food for now because politics and religion are topics that can get me in a heap of trouble. Please, Lord, continue working in me to make my warrior spirit refined.

Some day, I'd love to have the wisdom to know when to speak and when to remain silent. But something tells me I'll still feel like a work in progress even when I'm 80. Maybe the 90's can grant me my dreams.... wisdom. And roller-blades.

1 comment:

  1. You are so wise Lauren. I completely agree. I try to remain silent when appropriate. Sometimes, however, that still small voices overwhelms my heart to say something to honor him. My words are no always perfect - I am a flawed human after all. I just want to Lord to be proud and be a mom that my children are proud of. I want them to learn when is the time to speak and when is the time to remain silent. Keep serving him well!