Yep, that's Liam in there!
Today I am 6 weeks away from my due date and for the first time, I feel ready. Until now it has been a pretty even combination of "I don't think I can do this!!!" and "I am so excited to expand our family!" But finally the fear and worry is subsiding and I find myself just being ready.
I looked at Roman's newborn pictures a few nights ago and realized that a NEW BABY was a scary concept, but Liam was my son and would be no more intimidating than his brother. For some awesome reason, when they hand you your own baby, that you grew and carried for 40 weeks, they aren't even a tiny bit scary! And the love you have for them is the emotion that outweighs everything.
Then on Tuesday I met with the group of mommas, who I've been doing a book study with, and was comforted to hear that all of them experienced these same questions and concerns I've had lately when they were having their second child. With Roman, the worries I had were things like "How will I know what he needs? What if I don't know how to _____? How do I nurse? What the heck am I doing!?" and with Liam it's been questions like "How will adding this person change our family dynamic? How will I let go of the guilt that is sure to come as I watch Roman getting less attention than he used to? How will I juggle the needs of two young boys who both need me a pretty large amount?" And it was nice to hear that those questions are normal. It was nice to be told that Liam is sure to be different than Roman, because God just doesn't make two people exactly alike- good thing!- but different doesn't mean opposite.
I have had so many people say things like, "Well you know Roman is too easy- you're going to have a horrible second child to make up for it." and I think that's a really, really mean thing to say to someone. And I get protective inside because Liam isn't even born yet and already these horrible things are being spoken over his life that don't have to be true. So it was nice to hear that just because my first baby was a good sleeper doesn't mean my second one won't be, etc. Yes, I recognize that he MAY not be a good sleeper, because he is his own person, but there is nothing that guarantees I will be tortured with a dificult second child BECAUSE my first child is so "easy." I am finally able to rest in the knowledge that God is giving us the most perfect person to add to our family, he is free to be whatever he was created to be with whatever personality he was created to have, and we will love him just as much.
I have also started to feel like I've finally got the hang of this season I'm in with Roman- which surely means it's time to go back the other way! It's just a cycle that is continuous. And the more I think about it, I realize a lot of things in life are that way for me. I feel that way in marriage and I also felt that way in my teaching career. I have moments of feeling like I'm failing miserably and have no idea what I'm doing, then I move on to a point where I feel like you're I'm not amazing but I'm not the horrible wife/teacher/mom that I recently was convinced I was, then I feel like I actually rock at what I'm doing... and then there is a reality check and I head back to where I feel like a failure. And on the cycle goes. I totally had my hard moments about a month ago, then between now and then I've been figuring it out, and now I feel like I'm actually doing a good job. So it makes sense that it's time for Liam to be here and send me back to the "I have no idea what I'm doing" part of the ride. It's a nice mix of humility and comfort, all in all, right? LOL
Maybe I'm the only one who rides this cycle.
But that's where I am, sitting here at 34 weeks, and knowing time is coming to a close. Liam's arrival still doesn't feel CLOSE but it's coming into view. And sometimes I still can't believe I'm going to have a baby. I'm pretty sure my belly is just the result of holiday over-eating.....