Monday, September 26, 2011
if you want to lay it down, be prepared to walk it out...
Blazer: WetSeal, Jeans: American Eagle, Tank: Old Navy Maternity, Necklace: H&M
For my whole life I have struggled hearing the sound of my own singing voice. I have never liked my voice. Ironic, since I am a choir teacher. Ha. But I'm learning that the area in which God has gifted you, with plans to use you for His purposes, is exactly the area that Satan tries to load us with as much baggage, scars, and fear as possible. So it makes sense, then, that I would have have moments I can't shake off and forget, and that I have been told hurtful things about my voice that would make me scared to use it.
But here's the thing- I believe God has called me to not only teach about the voice (which I still believe, at this point, I will be going back to the classroom someday to continue doing!), but to do spiritual battle through singing. I believe leading worship is/will be part of my calling. And I'm not sure exactly how that will pan out, but others have confirmed the calling I have felt on my heart so I'm not concerned about knowing the details right now.
If I believe God has called me to do that, then my response needs to be, "Okay, Lord." It's not up to me to decide if my voice is pretty enough or if I'm equipped enough or competent enough. It matters that I go where I'm being called and trusting that God will receive the credit for it. And lately, this is a battle I've had to face, and not for the first time. But that means facing some new scars that have showed up since the last time I've had to face this thing and duke it out.
So this past weekend, my church had a big conference and I was asked to sing for two different things- one session that was a demonstration on the different aspects of our Front Lines Ministry and the other was a special song on the closing night of the conference right after worship. Gulp. When asked, though, I said yes. Because if you are going to lay it down at God's feet and let Him have it- if you surrender it to Him to use for His glory- then you have to be prepared to walk it out. That's how faith grows. You can't pray for patience and get it if you don't have have to live through times that require patience. And I can't surrender my voice and wade through the baggage if I don't agree to sing. So I sang.
Here are the lyrics to the song:
"Unbreakable"- by Fireflight
Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight
Can't face me in the light
They'll return but I'll be stronger
God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me
Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can't see?
To reach my destiny
I want to take control but I know better
Forget the fear it's just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust
Irony again, no? :)
But so much healing came from having to sing and declare those words during my practice at home, rehearsals with the band, and the performance Saturday night. I feel so much freer. So much more at peace. It's funny how your heart can change when you hear something enough times that you start to understand it and believe it.
As if that's not a story with a cool enough ending, the icing on the cake came when a friend who had caused one of the new scars approached me- not knowing anything of the hurt that had been caused because I had never mentioned it- and told me that God was telling them to speak to me about specific things regarding what had been said. It was such beautiful closure. Such a precious reward. God didn't owe me anything. I didn't need to have resolution on that because obedience is enough. And we don't always get closure to experiences or answers to the questions we ask- that's part of following by faith. But sometimes God loves on us. Because He's our Daddy and loves to see us smile, just like I love to make Roman smile when I give him something he really loves. Not because I need to but because I love him and I love seeing him happy.
What a cool weekend. :)